A BIG DAY!!! ...

6 June 2017

This happened! <3

It's JUNE already!! ...

Between mid-March and mid-May, I got myself back to Oregon. I collected a few things from my new storage in Klamath, but was too overwhelmed with all of it to deal with cleaning it out completely.

I got back to the Corvallis/Albany area and was welcomed with open arms and kisses at my Ladie's Bible Study at M.'s house. It felt good to have been missed.

I was actually to town before G. came home from his term in Sweden.

Then I went to my little church in south Corvallis and was again welcomed from the heart by many people. I felt like I had come home.

I signed up with Express Employment Professionals, the temp agency I worked for when I worked at BetaSeed during the '13/'14 and '14/'15 seasons, and in just a few days was interviewing for a bookkeeping position with a company called Sea Bird in Philomath. I was able to work there for 4 weeks... great company, great people, great money, and when they didn't need me in bookkeeping, I trained in Shipping and Receiving which I found I really enjoyed.

After that time, I put in apps here and there, and waited for something to pop up with Express. I finally got a type of "Secret Shopper" temp job evaluating the services of a state agency. It was fun, and I made the largest hourly wage I have ever have made!

I saw G. quite often for casual dinners or just because. I made a new friend, R. from working at Sea Bird, and I made good friends with a couple from church, C & S.

And then, John called from Cannon Beach and wanted to know if I might be interested in returning to Geppetto's. Natalia texted to sweeten the deal with a $1.50 and hour raise, and I was here in two days. It was mid-May.

It felt good to be back. I really do enjoy working here in the toy shoppe. And it was nice to be in a familiar place... my first days off I visited many of my old haunts: Sunset Beach, Astoria, Fort Stephens. No one seems to have permanently claimed "my spot"... the hole I park in off Hwy 101 north of Cannon Beach... although someone has previously trashed it a bit :(  Still, I feel fairly safe and legal there.

:)

And Another New Day....

Perhaps what they say about a good night's sleep is right.... I slept securely and woke up with a way better attitude. I don't have answers, but I feel more positive.

Then I realized I have misplaced my debit card.

Life feels sucky again.

* * *

Update on all of this...

After much contemplation and time... I shared the following on Facebook....


REAL. (long post) Facebook is kind of my blog, and I don't mind sharing, being real, and putting it out there. In my last post, near the end, I wrote, "God is good all the time and I feel happy and blessed." The comment has hit a sour chord with me, and I would like to explain myself better. First, I feel like with this comment it sounds like I am saying, I am happy... so God is good. That is not what I mean to be saying. I have a cousin who has been battling with emotional and physical pain for 3 years now. I have a friend dealing with frustration in her job situation. I have other friends and acquaintances who are dealing with varying degrees of awful stuff... Is God good, all the time? I am saying, Yes, He is, even through all that awfulness. God is the Giver... NOT the Taker.

A month and a half ago I was battling with the worst depression I can remember. No, I didn't have a bottle of pills in front of me, or a gun in my hand... but I felt I could have very easily. My mindset was, "What is the point? What purpose do I have?" I felt hurt, confused, alone.... but mostly abandoned. Abandoned by God because I couldn't see what He wanted me to do, or which way He was directing my path. I was not thinking, "God is good all the time."

I was in Madera, CA. It was hitting over 80*. It was too hot to stay in the van, so I drove to a park and started to walk around. I saw a gentleman playing Frisbee golf, and I asked if I could tag along because I had never seen anyone actually play the game. We ended up talking for over an hour.... about his work, his family's travels, the politics and taxes in California. There were no spiritual or personally encouraging tidbits, but it WAS the connection with humanity that I needed. Later, I looked in a couple stores for a beginning set of Frisbee Golf disks.  I couldn't find any but made up my mind to return to the park, play a round with my Aerobie ring, and then head north back to Oregon.

God had not abandoned me. He was still protecting me and guiding my steps. It was my own expectations of how and when and what I thought His direction should be that was getting in the way. God IS good. God is good ALL the time... even if we don't see it in the moment.
God loves you, He is for you... don't ever doubt it. God is the Giver. Amen


If you need prayer or encouragement. ... pls contact me ♥


My only goal in life when I left Madera, was to take Grandma Snoonie's picture to G's graduation because I know how very happy she would have been to see him graduate from a university*. With that in mind, I decided to buzz through Klamath and settle in the Corvallis/Albany area, close enough to spend some time with my son before he took off to Sweden.


Oh, and I did find my debit card in a rather short amount of time.



:)

* My dad never graduated high school. He dropped out in the 10th grade. He did go back after his time in the Merchant Marines at the end of WWII, but got very sick and was unable to complete his classes. My mom graduated with high grades from Lindblom High School in the Chicago area, but never attended college. She only asked for me to attend one semester of community college, and was prouder than proud when I graduated 2 years later with an Associate of Arts degree with a Photo-Journalism certificate. Seeing her grandson graduate from a University with 3 Bachelor degrees in Business and a minor in Information Technology would have been truly wonderful for her. 

* * *

UPDATE: I came through with my goal!

Today...

Today is mega hazy in Madera, CA, so I have decided to move on. Still raining in Albany. Reno? It's in the 60s there.... not sure.

Yesterday I met and had a long conversation with a man who was playing Disk Golf in the park while I was walking. Much of what he said made me realize all that I will never have. But, I decided to come back this morning and walk the park and play Disk Golf with my Aerobie disc since I could not find a beginner set of disks. Nor could I afford any of the single discs that are rated for all sorts of different play. You really have to know what you are looking for in this sport evidently. 

I ended up walking about 1.5 miles, and that made me feel a little good about myself.

I also purchased a new purse, since I felt the one I have screams, "WALMART!" Hopefully, this one does not. It's leather. And I got it at a Marshall's and it was just as inexpensive.

* * *

Sometimes you just have to force yourself to move in some sort of direction in order to get the ball rolling. Life is not easy a lot of the time.

Sad...

I feel sad. Sad all over. Sad in my bones. I have never quite felt like this before. Hopeless really.... not sure I have ever felt so hopeless before. And alone. I feel so utterly, terribly, Alone.

I went south to find sunshine...

I saw Shasta Dam...

I purchased a rock that looks like the ocean...

I went to the Monterey Peninsula. ..

I visited my friend Sandy, on her ranch near Porterville...

And then I realized it was getting too hot to get all the way down to Arizona. Havasu getting into the 90s, with no offer from my dad to allow my cats in the house. The idea of traveling across the desert to Vegas seemed overwhelming and dangerous.

Life feels overwhelming.

I started driving north toward cooler weather.

"No where to go, and no one to care if I don't get there."

I got to the lowest point I think I have ever really gotten to in my life. I thought about suicide. I didn't actually contemplate it, but I gave it thought. I mean, what is the purpose of living now? God is being silent. My boys are grown, living on the other side of the world.... they have family that is younger, more affluent, who love them... what do they really need me for? I am just something they have to worry about. What do I have to offer them anymore?

I met and had a long conversation with a man who was playing Disk Golf in the park while I was walking. Much of what he said made me realize all that I will never have... a career, a home of my own, the stuff I have collected around me for use... no, I am just one transmission away from homelessness. That is SO scary to me.

I worked with a young lady once who kept us entertained with wild stories and bits of her father's sage advice while we numerically input orders on a temporary job assignment.

"He told me, "If you don't want to be married to a garbage man, then don't date a garbage man! Because you never know who you are going to fall in love with!"

Unfortunately for me, I already had a ring on my finger. And I was committed to a loveless marriage with a man who had promised me nothing. ... and as the years would prove out, he did not go back on his word.

Changes Afoot...

I am feeling lost and alone.

And God, I just want it to be warmer, please.

I don't know where to go, or who to turn to.... so here I am on my blog... a blog no one ever reads or cares about. Or about me.

Three weeks, and a bunch of changes. I hate drama, and now I find myself in a soap opera!

So, last week, on Sunday, I went over to paint S's hallway.  I said, "Hey, how are you?" and she started out with, "I have been fuming all day!"

It's really too torrid to go into all the details, but I felt vomited on.  When I realized there was nothing I could say in defense as she felt it was all "excuses", I turned and walked away.  I left the paint can and the rollers on the shelf by her back door, and I walked out.

She was very passive-aggressive, but she was definitely letting me know she was not happy I was as close as I was. After about 10 minutes, I texted her and said, "I will be moving stuff out tomorrow and through the week.  I have next Sunday and Monday off, should have everything out by next Monday late afternoon.  Will that be ok?"

She replied, "That will be fine. Please leave the house in the condition that you found it."

So I got a storage and started moving my things. I have a lot of things.

I told my boss at work, C., what had transpired and that I planned to move in to the van. I thought I could do it. I trained another week as Assistant Manager.

Today, Saturday, I looked at the forecast, and the temps will be well below freezing for the next two weeks, 18 and 22 degrees. I was struck with feeling that I would be cold, and I was alone and lonely. I didn't feel I could handle that, so I went in and told C. I would have to quit which really made me sad because she had treated me so well. But in honesty, it really is not the job I want to do.

Then I went to my only friends here in this town (he is the dad of landlord, S.) to tell them goodbye. My friend C., told me that S. expected me to come back over and talk about our disagreement. Why would I even think about doing that since she seemed so vehemently against everything I am... that I didn't have a light bulb in the bathroom, for god's sake! (I have a reason for that, but I really don't think it is any of her business!) Why would I even think that she would be reasonable and willing to work things out.

I did think about it one day, going over and asking, "Is this really what you want?" I wondered if I was being prideful for not trying to talk to her. But she is a big girl, and should know better than to spew on someone else and then expect them to return. First, she should be mature enough not to spew in the first place, but then, if she did lose control and realized it later.... shouldn't she be the one to say, "gosh, I was saying stuff I really did not mean".... ?  Otherwise, I only have what she said to me on that afternoon to go by... why would I think otherwise? Right?

So here I am, in tears. Along with this... I have not heard from my bestie in about 8 days, so she does not have a clue what is going on.  And my son has not read my texts yet that I was moving...

Alone. My life. Alone. That in itself is so overwhelming.

Now, I don't know what to do if she does come over and wants to talk about it.  Can I trust her not to pull this crap on me again in a month or two months? No, I probably can't. But I would be able to complete some of the projects and piles I feel I was accomplishing.

Can I go back to my boss and ask for my job back.... can she trust me not to jump ship again? I am not sure that is really fair to her.

Should I consider staying in the house and finding another job? Is this all just about the job? In the meantime, I have strained my back and spent money on a storage place which I don't know will hold all of my stuff here. I got it because I could not make the trip back to Lakeview (3 trips) to get everything back into storage there!

And it is supposed to snow!

I am so tired of the snow and cold.

And I feel it is most unfair to the cats. They were getting depressed in the van, and I have been so happy for them to be able to run around and be warm.

I just want to eat sugar and go to bed and sleep the world away!

But I will pack, and continue the path. I have chosen to return to the Corvallis/Albany area. I have friends there, and a church or two, and I know my way around. It is lower elevation so the temps are a bit warmer... 50s and 40s during the day, and not less than freezing at night. But it is rainy. I am not going to like the rain. I just did not want to be in Oregon for the winter at all, and here I am!  The best part about moving up there is I would be closer to spend what little time I might have with my son when he returns from Sweden for his last term at OSU before he leaves to live and work in Sweden forever. Instead of being 4 hours away.

I have been praying that an answer would come, and today, I felt good about leaving the area.

Lord?  Are you out there?  Help me please.

Well, I Might Could Like It Here...