And God, I just want it to be warmer, please.
I don't know where to go, or who to turn to.... so here I am on my blog... a blog no one ever reads or cares about. Or about me.
Three weeks, and a bunch of changes. I hate drama, and now I find myself in a soap opera!
So, last week, on Sunday, I went over to paint S's hallway. I said, "Hey, how are you?" and she started out with, "I have been fuming all day!"
It's really too torrid to go into all the details, but I felt vomited on. When I realized there was nothing I could say in defense as she felt it was all "excuses", I turned and walked away. I left the paint can and the rollers on the shelf by her back door, and I walked out.
She was very passive-aggressive, but she was definitely letting me know she was not happy I was as close as I was. After about 10 minutes, I texted her and said, "I will be moving stuff out tomorrow and through the week. I have next Sunday and Monday off, should have everything out by next Monday late afternoon. Will that be ok?"
She replied, "That will be fine. Please leave the house in the condition that you found it."
So I got a storage and started moving my things. I have a lot of things.
I told my boss at work, C., what had transpired and that I planned to move in to the van. I thought I could do it. I trained another week as Assistant Manager.
Today, Saturday, I looked at the forecast, and the temps will be well below freezing for the next two weeks, 18 and 22 degrees. I was struck with feeling that I would be cold, and I was alone and lonely. I didn't feel I could handle that, so I went in and told C. I would have to quit which really made me sad because she had treated me so well. But in honesty, it really is not the job I want to do.
Then I went to my only friends here in this town (he is the dad of landlord, S.) to tell them goodbye. My friend C., told me that S. expected me to come back over and talk about our disagreement. Why would I even think about doing that since she seemed so vehemently against everything I am... that I didn't have a light bulb in the bathroom, for god's sake! (I have a reason for that, but I really don't think it is any of her business!) Why would I even think that she would be reasonable and willing to work things out.
I did think about it one day, going over and asking, "Is this really what you want?" I wondered if I was being prideful for not trying to talk to her. But she is a big girl, and should know better than to spew on someone else and then expect them to return. First, she should be mature enough not to spew in the first place, but then, if she did lose control and realized it later.... shouldn't she be the one to say, "gosh, I was saying stuff I really did not mean".... ? Otherwise, I only have what she said to me on that afternoon to go by... why would I think otherwise? Right?
So here I am, in tears. Along with this... I have not heard from my bestie in about 8 days, so she does not have a clue what is going on. And my son has not read my texts yet that I was moving...
Alone. My life. Alone. That in itself is so overwhelming.
Now, I don't know what to do if she does come over and wants to talk about it. Can I trust her not to pull this crap on me again in a month or two months? No, I probably can't. But I would be able to complete some of the projects and piles I feel I was accomplishing.
Can I go back to my boss and ask for my job back.... can she trust me not to jump ship again? I am not sure that is really fair to her.
Should I consider staying in the house and finding another job? Is this all just about the job? In the meantime, I have strained my back and spent money on a storage place which I don't know will hold all of my stuff here. I got it because I could not make the trip back to Lakeview (3 trips) to get everything back into storage there!
And it is supposed to snow!
I am so tired of the snow and cold.
And I feel it is most unfair to the cats. They were getting depressed in the van, and I have been so happy for them to be able to run around and be warm.
I just want to eat sugar and go to bed and sleep the world away!
But I will pack, and continue the path. I have chosen to return to the Corvallis/Albany area. I have friends there, and a church or two, and I know my way around. It is lower elevation so the temps are a bit warmer... 50s and 40s during the day, and not less than freezing at night. But it is rainy. I am not going to like the rain. I just did not want to be in Oregon for the winter at all, and here I am! The best part about moving up there is I would be closer to spend what little time I might have with my son when he returns from Sweden for his last term at OSU before he leaves to live and work in Sweden forever. Instead of being 4 hours away.
I have been praying that an answer would come, and today, I felt good about leaving the area.
Lord? Are you out there? Help me please.