Here is a good article from WebMD...
When you lose someone or something dear to you, it's natural to feel pain and grief.
The grief process is a very normal response, and most people experience
it. But when grief encompasses your life and you begin to feel
hopeless, helpless, and worthless, then it's time to talk to your doctor
about grief and depression.
What Is Grief?
Grief
is a natural response to death or loss. Each year, between 5% and 9% of
the population sustain the loss of a close family member. But that's
not the only kind of loss that can cause grief. People can feel loss
when:
- They become separated from a loved one
- They lose a job, position, or income
- A pet dies or runs away
- Kids leave home
- They experience a major change in life such as getting a divorce, moving, or retiring
While we all experience grief and loss, each of us is unique in the ways we cope with our feelings.
Some
people have healthy coping skills. They are able to experience grief
without losing sight of their daily responsibilities. The grieving
process is an opportunity for someone to appropriately mourn a loss and
then heal. It's facilitated by acknowledging grief, allowing time for
grief to work, and finding support.
Other people, however, don't have the coping mechanisms or support they need. That lack actually hinders the grieving process.
How Do People React to Grief and Loss?
There are
specific stages of grief. They reflect common reactions people have as
they try to make sense of a loss. An important part of the healing
process is experiencing and accepting the feelings that come as a result
of the loss. Here are the common stages of grief that people go
through:
- Denial, numbness, and shock: Numbness is a normal reaction to a death or loss and should never be confused with "not caring." This stage of grief helps protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss. It can actually be useful when the grieving person has to take some action such as planning a funeral, notifying relatives, or reviewing important papers. As the individual moves through the experience and slowly acknowledges its impact, the initial denial and disbelief will diminish.
- Bargaining: This stage of grief may be marked by persistent thoughts about what "could have been done" to prevent the death or loss. Some people become obsessed with thinking about specific ways things could have been done differently to save the person's life or prevent the loss. If this stage of grief is not dealt with and resolved, the individual may live with intense feelings of guilt or anger that can interfere with the healing process.
- Depression: In this stage of grief, people begin to realize and feel the true extent of the death or loss. Common signs of depression in this stage include difficulty sleeping, poor appetite, fatigue, lack of energy, and crying spells. The individual may also experience self-pity and feel lonely, isolated, empty, lost, and anxious.
- Anger: This stage of grief is common. It usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless. Anger can stem from a feeling of abandonment because of a death or loss. Sometimes the individual is angry at a higher power, at the doctors who cared for the loved one, or toward life in general.
- Acceptance: In time, an individual can move into this stage of grief and come to terms with all the emotions and feelings that were experienced when the death or loss occurred. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into the individual's set of life experiences.
Throughout
a person's lifetime, he or she may return to some of the earlier stages
of grief, such as depression or anger. Because there are no rules or
time limit to the grieving process, each individual's healing process
will be different.
What Can Get in the Way of the Healing Process?
There are factors that may impede or slow down the healing process following a death or loss. They include:
- Avoiding emotions
- Compulsive behaviors
- Minimizing feelings
- Overworking on the job
- Self-medicating with drugss, alcohol, or other substances
What Factors Might Help Resolve Grief?
Here are some tactics that can be used to help resolve grief:
- Acknowledge and accept both positive and negative feelings.
- Allow plenty of time to experience thoughts and feelings.
- Confide in a trusted person about the loss.
- Express feelings openly or write journal entries about them.
- Find bereavement groups in which there are other people who have had similar losses.
- Remember that crying can provide a release.
- Seek professional help if feelings are overwhelming.
What Can I Do if my Grief Won't Resolve?
If grief continues and produces a prolonged and deep depression with physical symptoms such as poor sleep, loss of appetite, weight loss, and even thoughts of suicide, you may have a condition known as complicated grief and should talk with your doctor as soon as possible.
Sometimes, a major depression
can develop along with the reactive depression associated with grief.
Whereas depression as part of a grief reaction may subside after several
months, major depression is a medical disorder and requires treatment
to be resolved.
* * *
Once you have read through that, you understand that their are stages, and each and every one of us has to process through each stage. Sometimes it takes a long time. Sometimes we return to stages we may not have actually completed.
I am writing this because I am trying to find my way. I thought I was doing ok, but I also feel like I am going through a type of depression. I feel heavy. I feel a little lost.
My plan was to travel until October and then move to where my folks were, as the weather would be a little more tolerable for me here in Arizona. Now I don't know what my plans are, and on top of that, my financial situation has changed for the worse, and it could get even more worse.
I most definitely need to start working, but I don't know where to settle.
* * *
Denial, numbness, shock. I think it all happened so quickly. It was unexpected. I am so glad I was able to spend those last hours with my mom, and I think she was glad that I was there. It was an experience I met full on, and wouldn't have had it any other way. I believe I felt that numbness and shock in the first two days. It was hard to be here in her home, without her.
Bargaining. I thought there may have been some things my mother knew and wasn't telling me. I had an hour long meeting with her general doctor, and yes, there were some things. She made her own choices, and actually kudos to her for doing so. I wish she had made other choices, but it wasn't my place to make them for her. I couldn't have changed any of this.
Depression. This must be the stage I am currently in. I have other factors that are not helping as well.
Anger. I am mad at her for not being more honest with me because I would have come to spend more time with her if I had known. I know she was happy for me doing what I was doing, and knowing her, she didn't want to interrupt that. I think maybe she hadn't thought it all out, and really didn't understand that things were going the way they were going for her. I am also upset with her that she never tried to rewrite her life story which she lost on a computer which is now gone. I only have her file folder of notes. And that she never filled out the Grandma book I gave her 18 years ago, and now cannot find at all. (I really can't believe she just got rid of it!) There are some other memory items that I have thought of and cannot find and that makes me nuts that she would have gotten rid of them without letting me know.
Acceptance. I guess I will get there.
* * *
But I wonder if life should stop while you are grieving, or can life continue? or even expand? My dad says they were making plans of trips they wanted to take, things they wanted to see, but now, he says he is not interested in going to those places. I say it will take time. He said he had no problem going out on his own before he met my mother... camping and fishing and stuff. I asked him if doing what we have been doing for the past two weeks, is what he wants to do for the next ten years. I think he gave that some thought.
I am proud of his routine, going to meet the guys at the Elks for coffee and then going for a walk. He goes out for breakfast then, or comes home and cooks. He is learning about online banking and checking his credit card transactions on the internet. He is doing good. He wants to leave things around the house the way they are, but he has also moved a few things around. He goes to the store and we alternate cooking dinner.
Today we talked about him going to So. Cal to see his daughters, maybe for the holidays. That is good. He is thinking ahead. Had my mother been left behind, I don't think she would have done so well. She most likely would have just stayed in the house and kept to her reading and TV shows, and soon would have probably needed some kind of care.
Life does go on. It has to. You can't just stand still and wait for all of this to transpire on it's own. You have to work it in among the day to day duties of living. You progress, and you may re-gress a bit, but you make your way through, and you learn and you grow and you become a better person because of the experience.
I'll get there.
:)
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