I Have Failed...

as a Mother.

As proof... my son has just gotten another tattoo...

Smack dab in the middle of his chest.  I guess it is an electrical symbol which means "grounded".

I realize it could be worse... it's not Darth Vader, or a naked sailor girl, or Tweety Bird... but still.  I am not happy.  His little body was so beautiful and so perfect when he popped out into the world.  It is difficult to see.

And "grounded".... I have no idea what he is thinking about that.  He still has so much growing up to do.  But then, at 21, we think we know everything.

No, I am feeling pretty much a failure as a mother and am thinking of giving up the gig entirely.  Changing my name and moving somewhere else.

While raising these boys, I did not smoke, I did not drink, I did not gamble, I did not do drugs, I did not sleep around or even date, at all.  I was the perfect example of a happy, content person.  And I was perfectly content not doing any of those things.  I did not need them in my life to feign happiness.  I believe happiness comes from within and is a choice.  I continued to go to church and shared my belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who died for our sins

I only made one major mistake in my life... I married an emotionally abusive man and after almost 22 years, divorced him. The boys were 11 and 13 when I told them of my decision.

Because of that, I guess, my sons have done everything I never did, and much more, and neither is walking with the Lord.

I want to barf when I see that meme that talks about being an example to your children...  What good did it do ME?

* * *

Please see "I Am Alive", October 201, for a follow up

I am Done... MORE TO COME

Two months ago I wrote about having Purpose and Plans.  Since then, I have had several very low moments.  Seriously, what is the point? I work only to pay off my credit cards.  Next year, both of my children will be on the other side of the world, and without parents, brothers or sisters, a husband...  I will be ALL ALONE on this side of the earth.  Day in, day out, alone.  Oh, I have friends... casual friends from work, but they don't invite me over to their homes or out for a drink when they head out.  I do go hiking with one friend when we can get the same days off, but that has been rare lately.  She has a live-in boyfriend, so he is her priority on her off times.

My very best friend lives way far away.  We call, and text.  She has known me the longest, and knows me the best.  She is my only Best Bud.  She has many friends and I am the longest friendship of all of them, but I am not really sure where I fall in line of her favorites. Truly, if she dumps me, I will be a troll and go to live under a bridge somewhere.

So, my phone died.  My phone is a very big piece of my life.  I do everything on my phone.  Texting, watching TV, catching Pokemon, looking things up, finding my way around, getting discounts at stores.... it is my lifeline.  I think I killed my battery playing Pokemon Go as I was always on the phone at work spinning at the Pokestop across the street!  Unless I am asleep, my phone is on, and usually charging since it wasn't lasting long.  I have ordered a battery... it will take a week to arrive.  It has been 5 days so far.  I am falling way behind in my hopes of 5,000 XP points per day with Pokemon!  It has now been 8 days without my phone and I hate it.  I have, however, read two whole books.... so good things can happen :)

My point being, that my younger son got concerned enough, after texting me and not hearing from me in two days, to call my work and ask about me.  My co-worker knew I was having phone issues... which I HAD posted on Facebook