And Another New Day....

Perhaps what they say about a good night's sleep is right.... I slept securely and woke up with a way better attitude. I don't have answers, but I feel more positive.

Then I realized I have misplaced my debit card.

Life feels sucky again.

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Update on all of this...

After much contemplation and time... I shared the following on Facebook....


REAL. (long post) Facebook is kind of my blog, and I don't mind sharing, being real, and putting it out there. In my last post, near the end, I wrote, "God is good all the time and I feel happy and blessed." The comment has hit a sour chord with me, and I would like to explain myself better. First, I feel like with this comment it sounds like I am saying, I am happy... so God is good. That is not what I mean to be saying. I have a cousin who has been battling with emotional and physical pain for 3 years now. I have a friend dealing with frustration in her job situation. I have other friends and acquaintances who are dealing with varying degrees of awful stuff... Is God good, all the time? I am saying, Yes, He is, even through all that awfulness. God is the Giver... NOT the Taker.

A month and a half ago I was battling with the worst depression I can remember. No, I didn't have a bottle of pills in front of me, or a gun in my hand... but I felt I could have very easily. My mindset was, "What is the point? What purpose do I have?" I felt hurt, confused, alone.... but mostly abandoned. Abandoned by God because I couldn't see what He wanted me to do, or which way He was directing my path. I was not thinking, "God is good all the time."

I was in Madera, CA. It was hitting over 80*. It was too hot to stay in the van, so I drove to a park and started to walk around. I saw a gentleman playing Frisbee golf, and I asked if I could tag along because I had never seen anyone actually play the game. We ended up talking for over an hour.... about his work, his family's travels, the politics and taxes in California. There were no spiritual or personally encouraging tidbits, but it WAS the connection with humanity that I needed. Later, I looked in a couple stores for a beginning set of Frisbee Golf disks.  I couldn't find any but made up my mind to return to the park, play a round with my Aerobie ring, and then head north back to Oregon.

God had not abandoned me. He was still protecting me and guiding my steps. It was my own expectations of how and when and what I thought His direction should be that was getting in the way. God IS good. God is good ALL the time... even if we don't see it in the moment.
God loves you, He is for you... don't ever doubt it. God is the Giver. Amen


If you need prayer or encouragement. ... pls contact me ♥


My only goal in life when I left Madera, was to take Grandma Snoonie's picture to G's graduation because I know how very happy she would have been to see him graduate from a university*. With that in mind, I decided to buzz through Klamath and settle in the Corvallis/Albany area, close enough to spend some time with my son before he took off to Sweden.


Oh, and I did find my debit card in a rather short amount of time.



:)

* My dad never graduated high school. He dropped out in the 10th grade. He did go back after his time in the Merchant Marines at the end of WWII, but got very sick and was unable to complete his classes. My mom graduated with high grades from Lindblom High School in the Chicago area, but never attended college. She only asked for me to attend one semester of community college, and was prouder than proud when I graduated 2 years later with an Associate of Arts degree with a Photo-Journalism certificate. Seeing her grandson graduate from a University with 3 Bachelor degrees in Business and a minor in Information Technology would have been truly wonderful for her. 

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UPDATE: I came through with my goal!

Today...

Today is mega hazy in Madera, CA, so I have decided to move on. Still raining in Albany. Reno? It's in the 60s there.... not sure.

Yesterday I met and had a long conversation with a man who was playing Disk Golf in the park while I was walking. Much of what he said made me realize all that I will never have. But, I decided to come back this morning and walk the park and play Disk Golf with my Aerobie disc since I could not find a beginner set of disks. Nor could I afford any of the single discs that are rated for all sorts of different play. You really have to know what you are looking for in this sport evidently. 

I ended up walking about 1.5 miles, and that made me feel a little good about myself.

I also purchased a new purse, since I felt the one I have screams, "WALMART!" Hopefully, this one does not. It's leather. And I got it at a Marshall's and it was just as inexpensive.

* * *

Sometimes you just have to force yourself to move in some sort of direction in order to get the ball rolling. Life is not easy a lot of the time.

Sad...

I feel sad. Sad all over. Sad in my bones. I have never quite felt like this before. Hopeless really.... not sure I have ever felt so hopeless before. And alone. I feel so utterly, terribly, Alone.

I went south to find sunshine...

I saw Shasta Dam...

I purchased a rock that looks like the ocean...

I went to the Monterey Peninsula. ..

I visited my friend Sandy, on her ranch near Porterville...

And then I realized it was getting too hot to get all the way down to Arizona. Havasu getting into the 90s, with no offer from my dad to allow my cats in the house. The idea of traveling across the desert to Vegas seemed overwhelming and dangerous.

Life feels overwhelming.

I started driving north toward cooler weather.

"No where to go, and no one to care if I don't get there."

I got to the lowest point I think I have ever really gotten to in my life. I thought about suicide. I didn't actually contemplate it, but I gave it thought. I mean, what is the purpose of living now? God is being silent. My boys are grown, living on the other side of the world.... they have family that is younger, more affluent, who love them... what do they really need me for? I am just something they have to worry about. What do I have to offer them anymore?

I met and had a long conversation with a man who was playing Disk Golf in the park while I was walking. Much of what he said made me realize all that I will never have... a career, a home of my own, the stuff I have collected around me for use... no, I am just one transmission away from homelessness. That is SO scary to me.

I worked with a young lady once who kept us entertained with wild stories and bits of her father's sage advice while we numerically input orders on a temporary job assignment.

"He told me, "If you don't want to be married to a garbage man, then don't date a garbage man! Because you never know who you are going to fall in love with!"

Unfortunately for me, I already had a ring on my finger. And I was committed to a loveless marriage with a man who had promised me nothing. ... and as the years would prove out, he did not go back on his word.