I always like to give good thought to how I spent the year.... things I accomplished and learned, places I visited, and the people I met along the way...
2017 has been a good year.
I celebrated New Year's with R&C.... it was a nice evening.
I lived in the little house and was excited about the possibilities, especially being close enough to go through my stuff in my Lakeview storage after 3 and half years. I really didn't like being someplace so cold and tried hard to find things I liked about being there in Klamath. I liked the neighborhoods to walk in, and the downtown area was so close.
I had some difficulty finding work, and finally landed an Assistant Manager Training position with a pizza place. I was also going through stuff I had brought over from Lakeview. Unfortunately, my landlord/employer had a passive-aggressive meltdown, so I got a storage place, put as much as I could in it after donating a lot of things, packed the van, cleaned the house and was out of there within a week.
I had planned to move into the van to continue the job, but I just couldn't do it as the temps were dropping to sub-freezing and I just couldn't do that to myself, or the cats. The worst thing was having to tell my boss, who had been so good to me, that I needed to leave the position.
So then, I justed to get warm.... so I decided to head to Arizona which had been my original plan.
Lesson learned from this experience is that you need to know who your friends are, even if you have had them for a long while, and you need to not take everyone on their word. It seemed like an open door when it all fell together, but it became emotionally, physically and finanmcially wearing.
Hwy 101 was closed due to a mudslide so I traveled across California to a friend of mine's place outside of Porterville.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Friday, November 3, 2017
Getting Older....
It's getting close to the big 6, 0, birthday. Parts of me are feeling older, but I know I can stay young in my mind and attitude.
Opportunity....
"A guy walks into a toy store..."
lol...
And today I wonder, what if I hadn't been working that day? If I hadn't been there, this whole God-thing might not be happening to me in just the way it is! Which is exactly why I was working.... God has His hand on my life, and this is an opportunity that He alone has orchestrated for me! I believe that, which is why I am jumping in with both feet! I know He will open the right doors!
Looking back over this blog, I see that I was so discouraged in the spring, feeling as though I would never have anything in my life.... a career, a home, security. Now I feel so much hope and elation towards my future! It's going to be work... No one is handing me anything but information... I have to make it work for me... but I know I have the whole country at my disposal, every business is an opportunity, and that everything I have ever learned about life, and people and business is to my benefit in what is to come.
The few people I have shared this with have been so encouraging, saying things like, "This is SO Perfect for you!"
I can do this!!
I know there will be some discouraging moments, but I cannot be discouraged and give up. I am telling myself this:
* * *
Much has happened over the past couple months in regards to this opportunity.
I asked, "How do I grow up to be you?" And this amazing gentleman, who has a family, a card and calendar business, has worked for the Associated Press and has been published in Sunset Magazine and The New Yorker, has spent countless hours with me mentoring me in this business, with no benefit to himself. He even answers my questions when I text him even when he is on a shoot!
I have purchased over $2k worth of camera equipment and this laptop to do the software editing on. I have business cards and a rolling case lined with Pic and Pluck foam.
I have done somersaults in my brain as to whether I can do this or not. Truly, the alternatives are just not acceptable. Every night I sweep the floor at the toy shoppe, I think... "I can work this hard, or harder for myself, not someone else." Or if I were travel to another area, I think how much I hate having to sell myself on a job interview when I know I can do the work and do it well, but have to answer stupid questions like, "Tell us about yourself".... which is a trick question for you to answer as what you can do for the company. Tired of that game!
With this, I am offering to do something grand for this person's business.... either they want it or they don't. No big deal to me. And there mostly likely is not another person in line waiting to give them a better deal.
And do you have any idea how many bottles of Avon hand lotion I would have to sell to make as much money as I can make on one shoot?
So my plan is to get 6 of my 7 credit cards paid off by the beginning of September, which is the time I have committed to work until at the toy shoppe... Labor Day, basically the end of the summer season. Then my required amount of money needed for monthly bills will be low enough not to cause too much stress working for myself.
Meanwhile, I will be working on my days and mornings off, in an untapped nearby town. I plan to make enough money over the 7 and a half months to pay myself back for the equipment, and to save enough to travel across the country to the Vermont/New Hampshire area, where I will work for about two months. I have never been to that area of the country and would like to experience it. Especially the fall colors.
From the money I make there, I hope to visit New York for a few days. Ice skating under the big Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza is on my Bucket List. Then, before winter really sets in, I need to bee-line back to Arizona where I hope to find a place for the winter months until it gets too hot, or I may stay longer depending on the work. Maybe I will also be able to meet family for Christmas in Thailand.... another destination on my Bucket List.
* * *
So many hopes and dreams. Hope and dreams that seem possible. Thank you Jesus for opening this door for me, and thank you for all the doors to come that You will be opening.
:)
Really, the worst that can happen is that I have some camera equipment to sell on ebay, right? I can always find a retail job somewhere at minimum wage, or maybe come back to the toy shoppe. But I am not expecting the end of story to be that at all!
Excited!!
Oh, and I started another blog about it all... 360alife.blogspot.com It's actually entitled "360 - A Life in Panoramic Mode"
lol...
And today I wonder, what if I hadn't been working that day? If I hadn't been there, this whole God-thing might not be happening to me in just the way it is! Which is exactly why I was working.... God has His hand on my life, and this is an opportunity that He alone has orchestrated for me! I believe that, which is why I am jumping in with both feet! I know He will open the right doors!
Looking back over this blog, I see that I was so discouraged in the spring, feeling as though I would never have anything in my life.... a career, a home, security. Now I feel so much hope and elation towards my future! It's going to be work... No one is handing me anything but information... I have to make it work for me... but I know I have the whole country at my disposal, every business is an opportunity, and that everything I have ever learned about life, and people and business is to my benefit in what is to come.
The few people I have shared this with have been so encouraging, saying things like, "This is SO Perfect for you!"
I can do this!!
I know there will be some discouraging moments, but I cannot be discouraged and give up. I am telling myself this:
- Every No gets me closer to a Yes
- God is the one who will be opening the doors.
- I cannot let my Mentor down
* * *
Much has happened over the past couple months in regards to this opportunity.
I asked, "How do I grow up to be you?" And this amazing gentleman, who has a family, a card and calendar business, has worked for the Associated Press and has been published in Sunset Magazine and The New Yorker, has spent countless hours with me mentoring me in this business, with no benefit to himself. He even answers my questions when I text him even when he is on a shoot!
I have purchased over $2k worth of camera equipment and this laptop to do the software editing on. I have business cards and a rolling case lined with Pic and Pluck foam.
I have done somersaults in my brain as to whether I can do this or not. Truly, the alternatives are just not acceptable. Every night I sweep the floor at the toy shoppe, I think... "I can work this hard, or harder for myself, not someone else." Or if I were travel to another area, I think how much I hate having to sell myself on a job interview when I know I can do the work and do it well, but have to answer stupid questions like, "Tell us about yourself".... which is a trick question for you to answer as what you can do for the company. Tired of that game!
With this, I am offering to do something grand for this person's business.... either they want it or they don't. No big deal to me. And there mostly likely is not another person in line waiting to give them a better deal.
And do you have any idea how many bottles of Avon hand lotion I would have to sell to make as much money as I can make on one shoot?
So my plan is to get 6 of my 7 credit cards paid off by the beginning of September, which is the time I have committed to work until at the toy shoppe... Labor Day, basically the end of the summer season. Then my required amount of money needed for monthly bills will be low enough not to cause too much stress working for myself.
Meanwhile, I will be working on my days and mornings off, in an untapped nearby town. I plan to make enough money over the 7 and a half months to pay myself back for the equipment, and to save enough to travel across the country to the Vermont/New Hampshire area, where I will work for about two months. I have never been to that area of the country and would like to experience it. Especially the fall colors.
From the money I make there, I hope to visit New York for a few days. Ice skating under the big Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza is on my Bucket List. Then, before winter really sets in, I need to bee-line back to Arizona where I hope to find a place for the winter months until it gets too hot, or I may stay longer depending on the work. Maybe I will also be able to meet family for Christmas in Thailand.... another destination on my Bucket List.
* * *
So many hopes and dreams. Hope and dreams that seem possible. Thank you Jesus for opening this door for me, and thank you for all the doors to come that You will be opening.
:)
Really, the worst that can happen is that I have some camera equipment to sell on ebay, right? I can always find a retail job somewhere at minimum wage, or maybe come back to the toy shoppe. But I am not expecting the end of story to be that at all!
Excited!!
Oh, and I started another blog about it all... 360alife.blogspot.com It's actually entitled "360 - A Life in Panoramic Mode"
Thursday, October 12, 2017
October Begins with Tragedy...
I was sitting in the Safeway parking lot, at 10pm on the first of October, when my scanner alert went off. It said something was going on in Las Vegas. I listened for two hours. There was shooting. I texted L. and said prayers.
When I woke up the next morning, 58 innocent people were dead, and over 500 were injured. The single shooter was dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
L. texted back that his daughter had been at the concert that had been targeted and she was ok but shook up.
Senseless. Innocent people at a country music festival gunned down, by a man who died without giving a reason.
* * *
Not a week later, news of fires in both Northern CA and Southern CA. I thought fire season was over, with Montana getting snow, and Oregon getting rain. But CA is being hit with Diablo Winds which has leveled much of Napa, Sonoma, and Santa Rosa.
When I woke up the next morning, 58 innocent people were dead, and over 500 were injured. The single shooter was dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
L. texted back that his daughter had been at the concert that had been targeted and she was ok but shook up.
Senseless. Innocent people at a country music festival gunned down, by a man who died without giving a reason.
* * *
Not a week later, news of fires in both Northern CA and Southern CA. I thought fire season was over, with Montana getting snow, and Oregon getting rain. But CA is being hit with Diablo Winds which has leveled much of Napa, Sonoma, and Santa Rosa.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
So Now It's September....
Where the heck did the summer go?
Although I am glad the frantic tourist season is over here at the beach.
But then again, it's been so quiet today in the store, since summer is basically "over", it's maddening.
Never happy I guess.
* * *
Right now, in our country, it appears that all hell is breaking loose....
Hurricane Harvey devastated Texas, then moved on to Louisiana and beyond. Montana has been burning up with wild fires for most of the summer. We have had lots of fires in Oregon, and then some idiot teenager threw smoke-bombs over the edge of a trail in the Columbia Gorge and it has now flared up to over 33,000 acres - 5th day, only 5% contained - we are experiencing smoke on the coast. And now, Hurricane Irma, the strongest Atlantic storm ever recorded at sustained winds of 185mph is heading toward the tip of Florida and may head up the east coast.
* * *
Although I am glad the frantic tourist season is over here at the beach.
But then again, it's been so quiet today in the store, since summer is basically "over", it's maddening.
Never happy I guess.
* * *
Right now, in our country, it appears that all hell is breaking loose....
Hurricane Harvey devastated Texas, then moved on to Louisiana and beyond. Montana has been burning up with wild fires for most of the summer. We have had lots of fires in Oregon, and then some idiot teenager threw smoke-bombs over the edge of a trail in the Columbia Gorge and it has now flared up to over 33,000 acres - 5th day, only 5% contained - we are experiencing smoke on the coast. And now, Hurricane Irma, the strongest Atlantic storm ever recorded at sustained winds of 185mph is heading toward the tip of Florida and may head up the east coast.
* * *
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Total Eclipse...
oh yeah... it's happening! Tomorrow morning!
Unfortunately, or maybe not, Cannon Beach, Oregon... where I am... is NOT in the band of Totality.
However, youngest son will be in Corvallis, within the band to see the total eclipse for just over a minute.
It will make its way across the country over the course of a few hours, but it hits Oregon first, at approximately 10:18am!
And that is just a little too early to gauge whether there will be fog or morning clouds on the coast!
I had planned to hike Neahkanie Mountain to see what I can see, but I am tired from working long hours, and 6 days a week and am not looking forward to the 3 mile hike up! (and down). I had shared it with the Meetup Group as an Event, and had one person say they were coming.... but now they have backed out, so I think I am going to the Port of Astoria and see what I can see from the Columbia River, where there may not be fog, and maybe a strong wind to blow things around.... thereby making some holes to see through!
* * * *
Unfortunately, or maybe not, Cannon Beach, Oregon... where I am... is NOT in the band of Totality.
However, youngest son will be in Corvallis, within the band to see the total eclipse for just over a minute.
It will make its way across the country over the course of a few hours, but it hits Oregon first, at approximately 10:18am!
And that is just a little too early to gauge whether there will be fog or morning clouds on the coast!
I had planned to hike Neahkanie Mountain to see what I can see, but I am tired from working long hours, and 6 days a week and am not looking forward to the 3 mile hike up! (and down). I had shared it with the Meetup Group as an Event, and had one person say they were coming.... but now they have backed out, so I think I am going to the Port of Astoria and see what I can see from the Columbia River, where there may not be fog, and maybe a strong wind to blow things around.... thereby making some holes to see through!
* * * *
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Hello? Is Anybody Out There?...
When you are trying to reach out and text people because you are so lonely...
and no one texts you back :(
It's one of THOSE days.
and no one texts you back :(
It's one of THOSE days.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Saturday, June 3, 2017
It's JUNE already!! ...
Between mid-March and mid-May, I got myself back to Oregon. I collected a few things from my new storage in Klamath, but was too overwhelmed with all of it to deal with cleaning it out completely.
I got back to the Corvallis/Albany area and was welcomed with open arms and kisses at my Ladie's Bible Study at M.'s house. It felt good to have been missed.
I was actually to town before G. came home from his term in Sweden.
Then I went to my little church in south Corvallis and was again welcomed from the heart by many people. I felt like I had come home.
I signed up with Express Employment Professionals, the temp agency I worked for when I worked at BetaSeed during the '13/'14 and '14/'15 seasons, and in just a few days was interviewing for a bookkeeping position with a company called Sea Bird in Philomath. I was able to work there for 4 weeks... great company, great people, great money, and when they didn't need me in bookkeeping, I trained in Shipping and Receiving which I found I really enjoyed.
After that time, I put in apps here and there, and waited for something to pop up with Express. I finally got a type of "Secret Shopper" temp job evaluating the services of a state agency. It was fun, and I made the largest hourly wage I have ever have made!
I saw G. quite often for casual dinners or just because. I made a new friend, R. from working at Sea Bird, and I made good friends with a couple from church, C & S.
And then, John called from Cannon Beach and wanted to know if I might be interested in returning to Geppetto's. Natalia texted to sweeten the deal with a $1.50 and hour raise, and I was here in two days. It was mid-May.
It felt good to be back. I really do enjoy working here in the toy shoppe. And it was nice to be in a familiar place... my first days off I visited many of my old haunts: Sunset Beach, Astoria, Fort Stephens. No one seems to have permanently claimed "my spot"... the hole I park in off Hwy 101 north of Cannon Beach... although someone has previously trashed it a bit :( Still, I feel fairly safe and legal there.
:)
I got back to the Corvallis/Albany area and was welcomed with open arms and kisses at my Ladie's Bible Study at M.'s house. It felt good to have been missed.
I was actually to town before G. came home from his term in Sweden.
Then I went to my little church in south Corvallis and was again welcomed from the heart by many people. I felt like I had come home.
I signed up with Express Employment Professionals, the temp agency I worked for when I worked at BetaSeed during the '13/'14 and '14/'15 seasons, and in just a few days was interviewing for a bookkeeping position with a company called Sea Bird in Philomath. I was able to work there for 4 weeks... great company, great people, great money, and when they didn't need me in bookkeeping, I trained in Shipping and Receiving which I found I really enjoyed.
After that time, I put in apps here and there, and waited for something to pop up with Express. I finally got a type of "Secret Shopper" temp job evaluating the services of a state agency. It was fun, and I made the largest hourly wage I have ever have made!
I saw G. quite often for casual dinners or just because. I made a new friend, R. from working at Sea Bird, and I made good friends with a couple from church, C & S.
And then, John called from Cannon Beach and wanted to know if I might be interested in returning to Geppetto's. Natalia texted to sweeten the deal with a $1.50 and hour raise, and I was here in two days. It was mid-May.
It felt good to be back. I really do enjoy working here in the toy shoppe. And it was nice to be in a familiar place... my first days off I visited many of my old haunts: Sunset Beach, Astoria, Fort Stephens. No one seems to have permanently claimed "my spot"... the hole I park in off Hwy 101 north of Cannon Beach... although someone has previously trashed it a bit :( Still, I feel fairly safe and legal there.
:)
Saturday, March 11, 2017
And Another New Day....
Perhaps what they say about a good night's sleep is right.... I slept securely and woke up with a way better attitude. I don't have answers, but I feel more positive.
Then I realized I have misplaced my debit card.
Life feels sucky again.
* * *
Update on all of this...
After much contemplation and time... I shared the following on Facebook....
REAL. (long post) Facebook is kind of my blog, and I don't mind sharing, being real, and putting it out there. In my last post, near the end, I wrote, "God is good all the time and I feel happy and blessed." The comment has hit a sour chord with me, and I would like to explain myself better. First, I feel like with this comment it sounds like I am saying, I am happy... so God is good. That is not what I mean to be saying. I have a cousin who has been battling with emotional and physical pain for 3 years now. I have a friend dealing with frustration in her job situation. I have other friends and acquaintances who are dealing with varying degrees of awful stuff... Is God good, all the time? I am saying, Yes, He is, even through all that awfulness. God is the Giver... NOT the Taker.
Then I realized I have misplaced my debit card.
Life feels sucky again.
* * *
Update on all of this...
After much contemplation and time... I shared the following on Facebook....
REAL. (long post) Facebook is kind of my blog, and I don't mind sharing, being real, and putting it out there. In my last post, near the end, I wrote, "God is good all the time and I feel happy and blessed." The comment has hit a sour chord with me, and I would like to explain myself better. First, I feel like with this comment it sounds like I am saying, I am happy... so God is good. That is not what I mean to be saying. I have a cousin who has been battling with emotional and physical pain for 3 years now. I have a friend dealing with frustration in her job situation. I have other friends and acquaintances who are dealing with varying degrees of awful stuff... Is God good, all the time? I am saying, Yes, He is, even through all that awfulness. God is the Giver... NOT the Taker.
A month and a half ago I was battling with the worst depression I can
remember. No, I didn't have a bottle of pills in front of me, or a gun
in my hand... but I felt I could have very easily. My mindset was, "What
is the point? What purpose do I have?" I felt hurt, confused, alone....
but mostly abandoned. Abandoned by God because I couldn't see what He
wanted me to do, or which way He was directing my path. I was not
thinking, "God is good all the time."
I was in Madera, CA. It was hitting over 80*. It was too hot to stay in the van, so I drove to a park and started to walk around. I saw a gentleman playing Frisbee golf, and I asked if I could tag along because I had never seen anyone actually play the game. We ended up talking for over an hour.... about his work, his family's travels, the politics and taxes in California. There were no spiritual or personally encouraging tidbits, but it WAS the connection with humanity that I needed. Later, I looked in a couple stores for a beginning set of Frisbee Golf disks. I couldn't find any but made up my mind to return to the park, play a round with my Aerobie ring, and then head north back to Oregon.
God had not abandoned me. He was still protecting me and guiding my steps. It was my own expectations of how and when and what I thought His direction should be that was getting in the way. God IS good. God is good ALL the time... even if we don't see it in the moment.
God loves you, He is for you... don't ever doubt it. God is the Giver. Amen
If you need prayer or encouragement. ... pls contact me ♥
My only goal in life when I left Madera, was to take Grandma Snoonie's picture to G's graduation because I know how very happy she would have been to see him graduate from a university*. With that in mind, I decided to buzz through Klamath and settle in the Corvallis/Albany area, close enough to spend some time with my son before he took off to Sweden.
Oh, and I did find my debit card in a rather short amount of time.
:)
* My dad never graduated high school. He dropped out in the 10th grade. He did go back after his time in the Merchant Marines at the end of WWII, but got very sick and was unable to complete his classes. My mom graduated with high grades from Lindblom High School in the Chicago area, but never attended college. She only asked for me to attend one semester of community college, and was prouder than proud when I graduated 2 years later with an Associate of Arts degree with a Photo-Journalism certificate. Seeing her grandson graduate from a University with 3 Bachelor degrees in Business and a minor in Information Technology would have been truly wonderful for her.
* * *
UPDATE: I came through with my goal!
I was in Madera, CA. It was hitting over 80*. It was too hot to stay in the van, so I drove to a park and started to walk around. I saw a gentleman playing Frisbee golf, and I asked if I could tag along because I had never seen anyone actually play the game. We ended up talking for over an hour.... about his work, his family's travels, the politics and taxes in California. There were no spiritual or personally encouraging tidbits, but it WAS the connection with humanity that I needed. Later, I looked in a couple stores for a beginning set of Frisbee Golf disks. I couldn't find any but made up my mind to return to the park, play a round with my Aerobie ring, and then head north back to Oregon.
God had not abandoned me. He was still protecting me and guiding my steps. It was my own expectations of how and when and what I thought His direction should be that was getting in the way. God IS good. God is good ALL the time... even if we don't see it in the moment.
God loves you, He is for you... don't ever doubt it. God is the Giver. Amen
If you need prayer or encouragement. ... pls contact me ♥
My only goal in life when I left Madera, was to take Grandma Snoonie's picture to G's graduation because I know how very happy she would have been to see him graduate from a university*. With that in mind, I decided to buzz through Klamath and settle in the Corvallis/Albany area, close enough to spend some time with my son before he took off to Sweden.
Oh, and I did find my debit card in a rather short amount of time.
:)
* My dad never graduated high school. He dropped out in the 10th grade. He did go back after his time in the Merchant Marines at the end of WWII, but got very sick and was unable to complete his classes. My mom graduated with high grades from Lindblom High School in the Chicago area, but never attended college. She only asked for me to attend one semester of community college, and was prouder than proud when I graduated 2 years later with an Associate of Arts degree with a Photo-Journalism certificate. Seeing her grandson graduate from a University with 3 Bachelor degrees in Business and a minor in Information Technology would have been truly wonderful for her.
* * *
UPDATE: I came through with my goal!
Friday, March 10, 2017
Today...
Today is mega hazy in Madera, CA, so I have decided to move on. Still raining in Albany. Reno? It's in the 60s there.... not sure.
Yesterday I met and had a long conversation with a man who was playing Disk Golf in the park while I was walking. Much of what he said made me realize all that I will never have. But, I decided to come back this morning and walk the park and play Disk Golf with my Aerobie disc since I could not find a beginner set of disks. Nor could I afford any of the single discs that are rated for all sorts of different play. You really have to know what you are looking for in this sport evidently.
I ended up walking about 1.5 miles, and that made me feel a little good about myself.
I also purchased a new purse, since I felt the one I have screams, "WALMART!" Hopefully, this one does not. It's leather. And I got it at a Marshall's and it was just as inexpensive.
Yesterday I met and had a long conversation with a man who was playing Disk Golf in the park while I was walking. Much of what he said made me realize all that I will never have. But, I decided to come back this morning and walk the park and play Disk Golf with my Aerobie disc since I could not find a beginner set of disks. Nor could I afford any of the single discs that are rated for all sorts of different play. You really have to know what you are looking for in this sport evidently.
I ended up walking about 1.5 miles, and that made me feel a little good about myself.
I also purchased a new purse, since I felt the one I have screams, "WALMART!" Hopefully, this one does not. It's leather. And I got it at a Marshall's and it was just as inexpensive.
* * *
Sometimes you just have to force yourself to move in some sort of direction in order to get the ball rolling. Life is not easy a lot of the time.
Sad...
I feel sad. Sad all over. Sad in my bones. I have never quite felt like this before. Hopeless really.... not sure I have ever felt so hopeless before. And alone. I feel so utterly, terribly, Alone.
I went south to find sunshine...
I saw Shasta Dam...
I visited my friend Sandy, on her ranch near Porterville...
And then I realized it was getting too hot to get all the way down to Arizona. Havasu getting into the 90s, with no offer from my dad to allow my cats in the house. The idea of traveling across the desert to Vegas seemed overwhelming and dangerous.
Life feels overwhelming.
I started driving north toward cooler weather.
"No where to go, and no one to care if I don't get there."
I got to the lowest point I think I have ever really gotten to in my life. I thought about suicide. I didn't actually contemplate it, but I gave it thought. I mean, what is the purpose of living now? God is being silent. My boys are grown, living on the other side of the world.... they have family that is younger, more affluent, who love them... what do they really need me for? I am just something they have to worry about. What do I have to offer them anymore?
I met and had a long conversation with a man who was playing Disk Golf in the park while I was walking. Much of what he said made me realize all that I will never have... a career, a home of my own, the stuff I have collected around me for use... no, I am just one transmission away from homelessness. That is SO scary to me.
I worked with a young lady once who kept us entertained with wild stories and bits of her father's sage advice while we numerically input orders on a temporary job assignment.
"He told me, "If you don't want to be married to a garbage man, then don't date a garbage man! Because you never know who you are going to fall in love with!"
Unfortunately for me, I already had a ring on my finger. And I was committed to a loveless marriage with a man who had promised me nothing. ... and as the years would prove out, he did not go back on his word.
I went south to find sunshine...
I saw Shasta Dam...
I purchased a rock that looks like the ocean...
I went to the Monterey Peninsula. ..
And then I realized it was getting too hot to get all the way down to Arizona. Havasu getting into the 90s, with no offer from my dad to allow my cats in the house. The idea of traveling across the desert to Vegas seemed overwhelming and dangerous.
Life feels overwhelming.
I started driving north toward cooler weather.
"No where to go, and no one to care if I don't get there."
I got to the lowest point I think I have ever really gotten to in my life. I thought about suicide. I didn't actually contemplate it, but I gave it thought. I mean, what is the purpose of living now? God is being silent. My boys are grown, living on the other side of the world.... they have family that is younger, more affluent, who love them... what do they really need me for? I am just something they have to worry about. What do I have to offer them anymore?
I met and had a long conversation with a man who was playing Disk Golf in the park while I was walking. Much of what he said made me realize all that I will never have... a career, a home of my own, the stuff I have collected around me for use... no, I am just one transmission away from homelessness. That is SO scary to me.
I worked with a young lady once who kept us entertained with wild stories and bits of her father's sage advice while we numerically input orders on a temporary job assignment.
"He told me, "If you don't want to be married to a garbage man, then don't date a garbage man! Because you never know who you are going to fall in love with!"
Unfortunately for me, I already had a ring on my finger. And I was committed to a loveless marriage with a man who had promised me nothing. ... and as the years would prove out, he did not go back on his word.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Changes Afoot...
I am feeling lost and alone.
And God, I just want it to be warmer, please.
I don't know where to go, or who to turn to.... so here I am on my blog... a blog no one ever reads or cares about. Or about me.
Three weeks, and a bunch of changes. I hate drama, and now I find myself in a soap opera!
So, last week, on Sunday, I went over to paint S's hallway. I said, "Hey, how are you?" and she started out with, "I have been fuming all day!"
It's really too torrid to go into all the details, but I felt vomited on. When I realized there was nothing I could say in defense as she felt it was all "excuses", I turned and walked away. I left the paint can and the rollers on the shelf by her back door, and I walked out.
She was very passive-aggressive, but she was definitely letting me know she was not happy I was as close as I was. After about 10 minutes, I texted her and said, "I will be moving stuff out tomorrow and through the week. I have next Sunday and Monday off, should have everything out by next Monday late afternoon. Will that be ok?"
She replied, "That will be fine. Please leave the house in the condition that you found it."
So I got a storage and started moving my things. I have a lot of things.
I told my boss at work, C., what had transpired and that I planned to move in to the van. I thought I could do it. I trained another week as Assistant Manager.
Today, Saturday, I looked at the forecast, and the temps will be well below freezing for the next two weeks, 18 and 22 degrees. I was struck with feeling that I would be cold, and I was alone and lonely. I didn't feel I could handle that, so I went in and told C. I would have to quit which really made me sad because she had treated me so well. But in honesty, it really is not the job I want to do.
Then I went to my only friends here in this town (he is the dad of landlord, S.) to tell them goodbye. My friend C., told me that S. expected me to come back over and talk about our disagreement. Why would I even think about doing that since she seemed so vehemently against everything I am... that I didn't have a light bulb in the bathroom, for god's sake! (I have a reason for that, but I really don't think it is any of her business!) Why would I even think that she would be reasonable and willing to work things out.
I did think about it one day, going over and asking, "Is this really what you want?" I wondered if I was being prideful for not trying to talk to her. But she is a big girl, and should know better than to spew on someone else and then expect them to return. First, she should be mature enough not to spew in the first place, but then, if she did lose control and realized it later.... shouldn't she be the one to say, "gosh, I was saying stuff I really did not mean".... ? Otherwise, I only have what she said to me on that afternoon to go by... why would I think otherwise? Right?
So here I am, in tears. Along with this... I have not heard from my bestie in about 8 days, so she does not have a clue what is going on. And my son has not read my texts yet that I was moving...
Alone. My life. Alone. That in itself is so overwhelming.
Now, I don't know what to do if she does come over and wants to talk about it. Can I trust her not to pull this crap on me again in a month or two months? No, I probably can't. But I would be able to complete some of the projects and piles I feel I was accomplishing.
Can I go back to my boss and ask for my job back.... can she trust me not to jump ship again? I am not sure that is really fair to her.
Should I consider staying in the house and finding another job? Is this all just about the job? In the meantime, I have strained my back and spent money on a storage place which I don't know will hold all of my stuff here. I got it because I could not make the trip back to Lakeview (3 trips) to get everything back into storage there!
And it is supposed to snow!
I am so tired of the snow and cold.
And I feel it is most unfair to the cats. They were getting depressed in the van, and I have been so happy for them to be able to run around and be warm.
I just want to eat sugar and go to bed and sleep the world away!
But I will pack, and continue the path. I have chosen to return to the Corvallis/Albany area. I have friends there, and a church or two, and I know my way around. It is lower elevation so the temps are a bit warmer... 50s and 40s during the day, and not less than freezing at night. But it is rainy. I am not going to like the rain. I just did not want to be in Oregon for the winter at all, and here I am! The best part about moving up there is I would be closer to spend what little time I might have with my son when he returns from Sweden for his last term at OSU before he leaves to live and work in Sweden forever. Instead of being 4 hours away.
I have been praying that an answer would come, and today, I felt good about leaving the area.
Lord? Are you out there? Help me please.
And God, I just want it to be warmer, please.
I don't know where to go, or who to turn to.... so here I am on my blog... a blog no one ever reads or cares about. Or about me.
Three weeks, and a bunch of changes. I hate drama, and now I find myself in a soap opera!
So, last week, on Sunday, I went over to paint S's hallway. I said, "Hey, how are you?" and she started out with, "I have been fuming all day!"
It's really too torrid to go into all the details, but I felt vomited on. When I realized there was nothing I could say in defense as she felt it was all "excuses", I turned and walked away. I left the paint can and the rollers on the shelf by her back door, and I walked out.
She was very passive-aggressive, but she was definitely letting me know she was not happy I was as close as I was. After about 10 minutes, I texted her and said, "I will be moving stuff out tomorrow and through the week. I have next Sunday and Monday off, should have everything out by next Monday late afternoon. Will that be ok?"
She replied, "That will be fine. Please leave the house in the condition that you found it."
So I got a storage and started moving my things. I have a lot of things.
I told my boss at work, C., what had transpired and that I planned to move in to the van. I thought I could do it. I trained another week as Assistant Manager.
Today, Saturday, I looked at the forecast, and the temps will be well below freezing for the next two weeks, 18 and 22 degrees. I was struck with feeling that I would be cold, and I was alone and lonely. I didn't feel I could handle that, so I went in and told C. I would have to quit which really made me sad because she had treated me so well. But in honesty, it really is not the job I want to do.
Then I went to my only friends here in this town (he is the dad of landlord, S.) to tell them goodbye. My friend C., told me that S. expected me to come back over and talk about our disagreement. Why would I even think about doing that since she seemed so vehemently against everything I am... that I didn't have a light bulb in the bathroom, for god's sake! (I have a reason for that, but I really don't think it is any of her business!) Why would I even think that she would be reasonable and willing to work things out.
I did think about it one day, going over and asking, "Is this really what you want?" I wondered if I was being prideful for not trying to talk to her. But she is a big girl, and should know better than to spew on someone else and then expect them to return. First, she should be mature enough not to spew in the first place, but then, if she did lose control and realized it later.... shouldn't she be the one to say, "gosh, I was saying stuff I really did not mean".... ? Otherwise, I only have what she said to me on that afternoon to go by... why would I think otherwise? Right?
So here I am, in tears. Along with this... I have not heard from my bestie in about 8 days, so she does not have a clue what is going on. And my son has not read my texts yet that I was moving...
Alone. My life. Alone. That in itself is so overwhelming.
Now, I don't know what to do if she does come over and wants to talk about it. Can I trust her not to pull this crap on me again in a month or two months? No, I probably can't. But I would be able to complete some of the projects and piles I feel I was accomplishing.
Can I go back to my boss and ask for my job back.... can she trust me not to jump ship again? I am not sure that is really fair to her.
Should I consider staying in the house and finding another job? Is this all just about the job? In the meantime, I have strained my back and spent money on a storage place which I don't know will hold all of my stuff here. I got it because I could not make the trip back to Lakeview (3 trips) to get everything back into storage there!
And it is supposed to snow!
I am so tired of the snow and cold.
And I feel it is most unfair to the cats. They were getting depressed in the van, and I have been so happy for them to be able to run around and be warm.
I just want to eat sugar and go to bed and sleep the world away!
But I will pack, and continue the path. I have chosen to return to the Corvallis/Albany area. I have friends there, and a church or two, and I know my way around. It is lower elevation so the temps are a bit warmer... 50s and 40s during the day, and not less than freezing at night. But it is rainy. I am not going to like the rain. I just did not want to be in Oregon for the winter at all, and here I am! The best part about moving up there is I would be closer to spend what little time I might have with my son when he returns from Sweden for his last term at OSU before he leaves to live and work in Sweden forever. Instead of being 4 hours away.
I have been praying that an answer would come, and today, I felt good about leaving the area.
Lord? Are you out there? Help me please.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Klamath. Really? ...
I have been in Klamath Falls for exactly 2 full months yesterday.
I got a call yesterday from Express Temps that Abby's Pizza has accepted me as an Assistant Manager Trainee.
I was not expecting this. No, I take that back. I kinda WAS expecting it because it was not what I really wanted to do. I am not looking forward to working around food. I am not particularly happy right now about working around people. I am not excited.
How do you react, how do you feel, when you have prayed that God would open the right doors for you, but it was not at all what you were hoping for? I feel numb.
I wanted to get a job in bookkeeping... as I think about getting older, and possibly less mobile. I wanted to work in the back of some office. Something I could take to Sweden if I end up moving there someday. As I know I will never be able to actually retire, and I need to be part of the society that gives and not just takes. Per Ben.
But no one would give me the opportunity to be a bookkeeper.
I am sad because I have lost my gypsy ability. Knowing I wouldn't be "here" forever, and able to move to somewhere else as I wanted. Now I am just stuck, tied down. I hate the feeling. I am sad that Thailand is now a whole lot farther away than just next November. I am sad because this just wasn't my plan.
And Klamath Falls? Really? I have been looking around, trying to figure out where I wanted to settle... but I don't think K-Falls is where I wanted to be. I have hated, HATED, the snow and winter. I was already thinking, "I don't want to be here next year!"
But I start next Tuesday. I am making $1.50 less per hour than the toy shoppe. That is because it's going though Express. If I had been hired directly, I would be making the same, and starting benefits. All of that won't begin until I am hired by the pizza company.
So now, to look at the perks...
I am being trained as an Assistant Manager. This is a good title. It will be excellent experience. I will be working 43 hours a week. Good, overtime :) When I am hired, I will start with benefits and a 401K program. If I put in 5%, they will match 4%. That adds up to over $2k a year. I can put in more if I want. A couple years of that and I might have a nice little nest egg.
I just have to adjust my thinking. This must be where God wants me. I need to accept that, and work through my more negative feelings.
I can make this little house my own now, instead of just considering it a parking place. I will have plenty of time to go through my storage and work on projects.
I am thinking three years, but I have a feeling it will be a whole lot longer.
Lord, help me to have a better attitude about Your will for my life :/ Amen.
I got a call yesterday from Express Temps that Abby's Pizza has accepted me as an Assistant Manager Trainee.
I was not expecting this. No, I take that back. I kinda WAS expecting it because it was not what I really wanted to do. I am not looking forward to working around food. I am not particularly happy right now about working around people. I am not excited.
How do you react, how do you feel, when you have prayed that God would open the right doors for you, but it was not at all what you were hoping for? I feel numb.
I wanted to get a job in bookkeeping... as I think about getting older, and possibly less mobile. I wanted to work in the back of some office. Something I could take to Sweden if I end up moving there someday. As I know I will never be able to actually retire, and I need to be part of the society that gives and not just takes. Per Ben.
But no one would give me the opportunity to be a bookkeeper.
I am sad because I have lost my gypsy ability. Knowing I wouldn't be "here" forever, and able to move to somewhere else as I wanted. Now I am just stuck, tied down. I hate the feeling. I am sad that Thailand is now a whole lot farther away than just next November. I am sad because this just wasn't my plan.
And Klamath Falls? Really? I have been looking around, trying to figure out where I wanted to settle... but I don't think K-Falls is where I wanted to be. I have hated, HATED, the snow and winter. I was already thinking, "I don't want to be here next year!"
But I start next Tuesday. I am making $1.50 less per hour than the toy shoppe. That is because it's going though Express. If I had been hired directly, I would be making the same, and starting benefits. All of that won't begin until I am hired by the pizza company.
So now, to look at the perks...
I am being trained as an Assistant Manager. This is a good title. It will be excellent experience. I will be working 43 hours a week. Good, overtime :) When I am hired, I will start with benefits and a 401K program. If I put in 5%, they will match 4%. That adds up to over $2k a year. I can put in more if I want. A couple years of that and I might have a nice little nest egg.
I just have to adjust my thinking. This must be where God wants me. I need to accept that, and work through my more negative feelings.
I can make this little house my own now, instead of just considering it a parking place. I will have plenty of time to go through my storage and work on projects.
I am thinking three years, but I have a feeling it will be a whole lot longer.
Lord, help me to have a better attitude about Your will for my life :/ Amen.
Traveling... MORE TO COME
So the plans are: Shakespeare play, night out with girls, lunch with hiking friend, birthday with G. and J., van worked on, Lakeview to vote, painting job in Klamath, birthday camping trip....whew!
Ushered for a free ticket for the "The Complete Works of Shakespeare Revised and Abridged in 90 Minutes" at the local theatre in Cannon Beach. My co-worker E. was one of the three actors. It was interesting and I appreciated the time they put ito it
Enjoyed an evening out with my co-workers, E. and K. ... I think I need fun colored hair also!!
On November 3rd, I had the best FaceTime with B. and Z. while B. opened his birthday box from me We sent kisses and love, but sure do miss those hugs!
Learned Catan.... Gabe won the first time around. We sell this game in the store for $54, but I found this one at Goodwill for $7 !! Never opened!
From there, I made my way to a local garage in Gresham on the far side of Portland. I was referred to this place by a guy in Tillamook who said he could recharge my air conditioner. So I had him look it over and also give me an oil change. So he tells me that he doesn't want to put the stuff in the air conditioner reservoir because it's all rusted from a leaking water pump and he is thinking it will all run out. That I should get a new water pump. And then when I tell him I put stop leak in my radiator two years ago, he said I needed to replace the whole system, because that could go at any minute!
Then he sees that I am low on brake fluid and tells me that I have a leak in the rear end. That he could replace a certain part but that would only open up a complete can of worms. He didn't have the parts and would have to order them. He's talking over $1,100 and parts not arriving until Thursday or some crazy thing.
Well, I can't wait...this is like Saturday, and I HAVE to get to Lakeview by Tuesday in order to get my Voter's Ballet at the courthouse...which has been a fiasco in and of itself, and vote in the presidential election! So I am absolutely terrified of driving the whole entire 300 or so miles to Lakeview because this guy is telling me my brakes will all of a sudden go totally out and the steering will go with it, or that the water will suddenly explode and I will be up the creek without a paddle!
I called "Dan the Van Man" and told him. He asked, "Are your brakes spungy?" No. "Does your water overheat?" No. Well, I think you will do fine, he says. So, I pray for more angels to surround my van, and plan on getting there in one piece!
I overnighted just north of Lakeview where Painted Rock is... where B. and I found the rock with petroglyph, and where G., Bryce and I almost got hit by lightning while looking for a geocache!
Got to Lakeview safely, got my voting stuff, connected with Dan, who looked everything over and said, "You just got a new water pump, didn't you?" Yes! I had. In Lake Havasu! Which makes me wonder what this guy might have been trying to pull!
(Update June 2017: it has been now about 6 thousand or more miles, and I have not had any problems with either system. Hmmmmm)
Ushered for a free ticket for the "The Complete Works of Shakespeare Revised and Abridged in 90 Minutes" at the local theatre in Cannon Beach. My co-worker E. was one of the three actors. It was interesting and I appreciated the time they put ito it
Enjoyed an evening out with my co-workers, E. and K. ... I think I need fun colored hair also!!
On November 3rd, I had the best FaceTime with B. and Z. while B. opened his birthday box from me
We sent kisses and love, but sure do miss those hugs!
Spent my birthday in St. Helens, Oregon with G. and J. It was way fun! We talked and played several games...
Learned Catan.... Gabe won the first time around. We sell this game in the store for $54, but I found this one at Goodwill for $7 !! Never opened!
From there, I made my way to a local garage in Gresham on the far side of Portland. I was referred to this place by a guy in Tillamook who said he could recharge my air conditioner. So I had him look it over and also give me an oil change. So he tells me that he doesn't want to put the stuff in the air conditioner reservoir because it's all rusted from a leaking water pump and he is thinking it will all run out. That I should get a new water pump. And then when I tell him I put stop leak in my radiator two years ago, he said I needed to replace the whole system, because that could go at any minute!
Then he sees that I am low on brake fluid and tells me that I have a leak in the rear end. That he could replace a certain part but that would only open up a complete can of worms. He didn't have the parts and would have to order them. He's talking over $1,100 and parts not arriving until Thursday or some crazy thing.
Well, I can't wait...this is like Saturday, and I HAVE to get to Lakeview by Tuesday in order to get my Voter's Ballet at the courthouse...which has been a fiasco in and of itself, and vote in the presidential election! So I am absolutely terrified of driving the whole entire 300 or so miles to Lakeview because this guy is telling me my brakes will all of a sudden go totally out and the steering will go with it, or that the water will suddenly explode and I will be up the creek without a paddle!
I called "Dan the Van Man" and told him. He asked, "Are your brakes spungy?" No. "Does your water overheat?" No. Well, I think you will do fine, he says. So, I pray for more angels to surround my van, and plan on getting there in one piece!
I overnighted just north of Lakeview where Painted Rock is... where B. and I found the rock with petroglyph, and where G., Bryce and I almost got hit by lightning while looking for a geocache!
Got to Lakeview safely, got my voting stuff, connected with Dan, who looked everything over and said, "You just got a new water pump, didn't you?" Yes! I had. In Lake Havasu! Which makes me wonder what this guy might have been trying to pull!
(Update June 2017: it has been now about 6 thousand or more miles, and I have not had any problems with either system. Hmmmmm)
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